Getting a Physical
“I came early for my appointment. I wanted to get a head start on the insurance forms. To my surprise, the receptionist only asked if I still have the same health coverage. When I answered in the affirmative, she didn’t ask me anymore questions.
The receptionist appeared to be in a good mood. As a matter of fact, everybody seemed to be in a good mood today. Even the nurse who weighed and directed me to the examination room was very friendly. She was definitely not like the nurse character Rached in One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest movie.
After we entered the room, she told me that she’d take my cardiogram. She asked me to take off my shirt and lay on the table.
“Were you born here?” she asked as she was putting the electrodes on my chest, wrists, and legs. She was quite close. I could smell her perfume.
“No,” I said. “Actually, I was born in the Philippines.”
“Oh,” she exclaimed. “You know, my husband goes to the Philippines often. He’s a missionary.”
“Oh,” I mumbled. Fearing that she might try to convert me, I immediately changed the topic of the conversation to the weather.
The procedure took about 10 minutes. She removed the electrodes from my body and told me the doctor would be coming shortly.
As she was leaving the room, she instructed me to strip to my shorts and wear a gown.
By this time, the cold temperature in the room started bothering me. I felt all the parts of my body shrank to the level of absurdity.
I was pacing the floor when the doctor came. He looked very professional in his white garb.
After exchanging some pleasantries, he told me that the results of my blood test couldn’t be any better. It didn’t show any evidence of disease.
He asked me if I was feeling any pain. I answered in the negative.
It didn’t take that long to find him standing before me. After taking my blood pressure and announcing it was normal, he started looking at me as if I was a delicate piece of art.
He went right down to business like he had more Christmas shopping to do.
First, he examined my eyes, nose, and ears like he was in a competition of sorts. It was over in 3 minutes.
Then, he untied the front of my gown and put the stethoscope all over my upper body apparently trying to decipher what I ate for dinner.
Next, he asked me to lay on the examination table. While in that vulnerable state, he pulled down my shorts and grabbed my testicles. He played with them as if they were a pair of egg yolks ready to be scrambled. Every time he applied some pressure, I cringed.
Finally, he asked me lay on my side with knees pulled up toward the chest. Once I was in that position, he inserted his finger into my rectum and twisted it with authority. He said it might cause a mild discomfort, but it actually caused enough pain that I almost released methane gas and some byproducts on his face.
All in all, the examination took just 20 minutes. It was quite a record by anybody’s standard.
As I was putting on my clothes, he told me that there was an empty cup in the bathroom. It was for my urine specimen.
“Did the doctor say you need another appointment?” asked the receptionist as I was getting ready to leave.
“No,” I said.
“Well, then,” she said. “Merry Christmas! Your bill will be in the mail shortly.”
“Merry Christmas to you, too,” I said, “and a Happy New Year!”