A House On The Hill

August 6, 2014 at 11:36 pm 38 comments

For Friday Fictioneers 100-Word Challenge 8 Aug 2014

Note:I miss you guys. I’m back from my holiday but still not quite back yet, if you know what I mean.

Björn Rudberg
Photo Credit: Björn Rudberg

When Neela moved to the village, the newcomer attracted many suitors . But surprisingly, Neela fell for Arman who was as plain as vanilla except for his moustache with tips arching up.

“If you build me a house,” Neela told Arman in a soft husky voice, “I’m yours.”

“Consider it done,” he answered.

Arman didn’t hesitate to ask for down payment. It started with an innocent kiss. As the house took shape, Arman’s demands became more passionate.

When the house was done, Arman asked for the ultimate reward for which Neela refused. “Sorry, I can’t,” Neela said. “I’m a boy.”

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Entry filed under: Blogroll, friday fictioneers. Tags: , , , .

wordless wednesday: a modern rickshaw my friday’s pick, aug 8, 2014

38 Comments Add your own

  • 1. FabricatingFiction  |  August 7, 2014 at 12:05 am

    Shock ending!

    Reply
    • 2. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 9:16 am

      FabricatingFiction:

      i’m shocked myself. 🙂

      Reply
  • 3. Fly Indie  |  August 7, 2014 at 12:55 am

    Strange story. I think more work needed on it, frankly, and I don’t quite get it, other than it is mildly offensive.

    Reply
    • 4. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 9:17 am

      fly indie:

      i agree it needs more work. the 100-word limit can be quite challenging.

      Reply
      • 5. Fly Indie  |  August 7, 2014 at 9:44 am

        I should clarify – you should be applauded for tackling a complex story line, but I felt the ending needed credibility, or more hints – 1 that for some reason the girl turned out to e a boy just like that, and 2 the idea that this could be such a laugh, or tragedy, or what. If I was gay I would think nothing of it, I am sure, but as I am I am uneasy at the supposed cheap laugh, while agreeing in a bawdy theatre show it might raise a laugh.

        Reply
        • 6. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 11:13 am

          fly indie:

          your points well-taken. i meant it as a tragedy for arman sporting a moustache with tips arching up. sorry, if it didn’t come across that way.

          Reply
  • 7. Sandra  |  August 7, 2014 at 1:25 am

    🙂 Well that was a nice suprise! Welcome back.

    Reply
    • 8. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 9:20 am

      sandra:

      thanks for welcoming me back. 🙂

      Reply
  • 9. rochellewisoff  |  August 7, 2014 at 2:03 am

    Dear Plaridel,

    Welcome back. I certainly wasn’t expecting that ending. 😉 Nicely done.

    Shalom

    Rochelle

    Reply
    • 10. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 9:22 am

      rochelle:

      thank you. it’s nice to feel welcomed back.

      Reply
  • 11. Björn Rudberg (brudberg)  |  August 7, 2014 at 2:39 am

    Ah.. yes the gender dimension.. well applied, but I guess Neela will have difficulties coming up 🙂

    Reply
    • 12. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 10:59 am

      björn:

      actually, it was partly based on a true story. a co-worker went for a two-week assignment in the Philippines. while there, he met and became infatuated with a woman who turned out to be a “he”.

      Reply
  • 13. draliman  |  August 7, 2014 at 7:36 am

    Blimey, I wasn’t expecting that ending. I don’t suppose Arman was either.

    Reply
    • 14. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 11:00 am

      draliman:

      yes, it was shocking to say the least.

      Reply
  • 15. Leigh W. Smith  |  August 7, 2014 at 8:05 am

    I saw the FF photo and have been puzzling over what I could do with it; object/house pictures sometimes stump me. However, not you, Plaridel. Love the “twist” that poor Arman faces at the end of this flash fiction. Clever boy, that Neela! But one wonders how Arman reacted — and if Neela found himself tumbling down the hill.

    Reply
    • 16. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 11:01 am

      leigh:

      thanks to the 100-word limit. otherwise, what you were thinking could have happened to neela.

      Reply
  • 17. Elizabeth  |  August 7, 2014 at 8:36 am

    Wow!

    Reply
    • 18. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 11:07 am

      elizabeth:

      thanks for reading and commenting. i really appreciate it.

      Reply
  • 19. Karen Whitelaw  |  August 7, 2014 at 5:47 pm

    Welcome back, Plaridel. And what a startling ending!
    Just a thought: If you included early on the tiniest subtlest hint that Neela was not all “she” seemed without giving the surprise away, you could make your ending an ‘Ah ha, of course’ shock for the reader. That would tie the story together.
    Poor lovesick Arman…

    Reply
    • 20. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 10:01 pm

      karen:

      i avoided using the pronoun “she” and “her” in the story. it was probably not enough.

      Reply
      • 21. Karen Whitelaw  |  August 8, 2014 at 12:07 am

        You were right to avoid that, Plaridel. That’s hard to do and you did it so seamlessly. I just meant something like Neela had a deep sexy voice or something else that suggests maleness without drawing attention to it. It’s a terrific story!

        Reply
        • 22. plaridel  |  August 8, 2014 at 9:49 am

          karen:

          i made a minor revision based on your suggestion. let me know if you like it.

          Reply
  • 25. K.Z.  |  August 7, 2014 at 8:44 pm

    at first i thought: vanilla can be good sometimes. lol aww sorry to hear that it ended up in heartbreak for both parties

    Reply
    • 26. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 10:03 pm

      k.z.:

      too bad, indeed. but that’s life. 🙂

      Reply
  • 27. kirizar  |  August 7, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    I think it wasn’t the sex of Neela I found so disturbing but that Arman expected to be rewarded sexually for building a house. In that, I believe he deserved the response he got. But that’s just one woman’s opinion.

    Reply
    • 28. plaridel  |  August 7, 2014 at 10:06 pm

      kirizar:

      he represented the worst in a man.

      Reply
  • 29. AnnIsikArts  |  August 8, 2014 at 9:30 am

    Hmmm. Arman seems to be a vain sort, given his careful tending of his moustache. And he expects sexual favours as payment for the house-building. Neela on the other hand, wants a house, and tricks Arman into building one for him by pretending to be a girl and playing along with Arman’s kisses and fondles. Neela isn’t going to get the house. I find it hard to believe Neela believed she would ever get the house through such deceit. In the end, I think Neela may be subconsciously gay and in love with Arman. Maybe Arman is also subconsciusly gay. This is either a romance in the making, or a tragedy. I am left with the mystery of which. I like this story. 🙂

    Reply
    • 30. plaridel  |  August 8, 2014 at 9:53 am

      ann:

      thank you so much for commenting and providing insights to this little story. it means a lot to me.

      Reply
  • 31. Weltchysnotebook  |  August 8, 2014 at 2:51 pm

    Some interesting comments already. For me the concept of Neela revealed as a boy works, but I think slapping the reader in the face with it is a bit too much. Finish with some innuendo instead and hint toward Neela’s sexuality earlier in the story a few times.

    Reply
    • 32. plaridel  |  August 8, 2014 at 5:35 pm

      Weltchysnotebook:

      thank for your comment which i appreciate very much.

      anyway, it was an attempt of telling a funny story. most of the time, humor requires a punch line or a slap in the face if you will to get its point across. perhaps the story could have ended more gracefully if i mentioned at the end that arman was a girl. unfortunately, the 100-word limit prevented me from doing it.

      Reply
  • 33. aliciajamtaas  |  August 9, 2014 at 7:19 am

    Glad you’re back!

    Reply
    • 34. plaridel  |  August 9, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      Alicia:

      thank you for the warm welcome. 🙂

      Reply
  • 35. patriciaruthsusausan  |  August 10, 2014 at 5:38 am

    Plaridel, Welcome back. Good story. There seems to have been wrong motives on both sides here. Neither one was a very sterling person. Good twist at the end. That was a real shocker. Well written. 🙂 —Susan

    Reply
    • 36. plaridel  |  August 10, 2014 at 9:02 am

      susan:

      it’s nice hearing from you again. your comment is much appreciated. 🙂

      Reply
  • 37. AC  |  August 14, 2014 at 1:29 am

    HAHAHAHAHHAA. welcome back. 😀

    Reply
    • 38. plaridel  |  August 14, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      ac:

      gotcha! 🙂

      Reply

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