Lucky

October 5, 2016 at 6:56 pm 36 comments

For Friday Fictioneers 100-Word Challenge: 7 October 2016

C. E. Ayr
Photo Credit: C. E. Ayr

Jack went upstairs and found Elaine lying naked in bed asleep.

“She’d be surprised to see me,” he thought.

Jack marveled at how beautiful she turned out. Back in the day when they bathed in the river as kids, she was as plain as plain could be.

Elaine attracted many suitors and Jack’s chances of winning her grew dim. Perhaps if he couldn’t have her, nobody would?

As he started to undress, Elaine stirred and woke up.

“What are you doing here?“

“Sorry for interrupting your nap,” Jack replied to his wife. “I wasn’t feeling well and came home early.”

Revision #1

Jack went upstairs and found Elaine lying naked in bed asleep.

“She’d be surprised to see me,” he thought.

Jack marveled at how she grew up into a beautiful woman. Back in the day when they hung out together and bathed in the river as kids, she was as plain as plain could be.

Elaine had many suitors. He must be really lucky to win her heart.

As he started to undress, Elaine stirred and woke up.

“What are you doing here?“

“Sorry for interrupting your nap,” Jack replied to his wife. “I wasn’t feeling well and came home early.”

Revision #2 (with Perry’s Input)

Jack went upstairs and found Elaine lying naked in bed asleep.

“She’d be surprised to see me,” he thought.

Jack marveled at how beautiful she turned out. Back in the day when they bathed in the river as kids, she was as plain as plain could be.

Elaine had many suitors. He would never be able to win her, of that he was sure.

As he started to undress, Elaine stirred and woke up.

“What are you doing here?“

“Sorry for interrupting your nap,” Jack replied to his wife. “I wasn’t feeling well and came home early.”

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36 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Dale  |  October 5, 2016 at 9:12 pm

    I’m a tad confused…

    Reply
    • 2. plaridel  |  October 5, 2016 at 10:03 pm

      dale:

      too much editing, trying to squeeze the story in 100 words… inspite of his insecurities he won her over and married him anyway. what a lucky guy. 🙂

      Reply
      • 3. Dale  |  October 6, 2016 at 3:58 am

        Good for him!!

        Reply
        • 4. plaridel  |  October 6, 2016 at 9:42 am

          dale:

          indeed.

          Reply
      • 5. FabricatingFiction  |  October 12, 2016 at 12:11 am

        Yay! All ends well.

        Reply
        • 6. plaridel  |  October 12, 2016 at 2:56 pm

          louise:

          glad i didn’t publish the darker version. 🙂

          Reply
  • 9. Iain Kelly  |  October 5, 2016 at 11:19 pm

    I got the intention there. I liked it, especially as I thought it was going to turn sinister at one point, but ended happily 🙂

    Reply
    • 10. plaridel  |  October 6, 2016 at 9:43 am

      iain:

      you’re very kind. thank you. 🙂

      Reply
  • 11. neilmacdon  |  October 6, 2016 at 1:38 am

    I thought he was going to attack her. The ending confused me

    Reply
    • 12. plaridel  |  October 6, 2016 at 9:43 am

      neil:

      you’re right. it was confusing.

      Reply
  • 13. draliman  |  October 6, 2016 at 5:36 am

    I thought it was going to turn dark and murderous there for a minute (“if he couldn’t have her, nobody would”)!

    Reply
    • 14. plaridel  |  October 6, 2016 at 9:42 am

      draliman:

      after rereading it, i guess it was really misleading.

      Reply
  • 15. Björn Rudberg (brudberg)  |  October 6, 2016 at 9:16 am

    I actually thought it would be sinister too… But I’m happy for the good news.

    Reply
    • 16. plaridel  |  October 6, 2016 at 9:41 am

      björn:

      it’s probably the worst story i’ve ever written.

      Reply
  • 17. rochellewisoff  |  October 6, 2016 at 10:02 am

    Dear Plaridel,

    I’ll admit to my own confusion until I read the comments. A suggestion…in contrast to his musing that he didn’t stand a chance, you might change the ending to her being happy to see her husband. Perhaps putting her arms around him and being glad he came home early. At any rate, I’m happy to see you back in FF.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    Reply
    • 18. plaridel  |  October 6, 2016 at 1:39 pm

      rochelle:

      thank you for welcoming me back. i had a great time in scandinavia. as for the story, i reedited it. hopefully, there’d less confusion while keeping the twist intact. 🙂

      Reply
  • 19. tedstrutz  |  October 6, 2016 at 10:07 am

    Good one.

    Reply
    • 20. plaridel  |  October 6, 2016 at 1:36 pm

      ted:

      it’s very kind of you. thank you

      Reply
  • 21. aliciajamtaas  |  October 7, 2016 at 3:51 pm

    I got it the first time through and thought it worked very well.

    Reply
    • 22. plaridel  |  October 7, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      alicia:

      bless your heart. thank you.

      Reply
      • 23. aliciajamtaas  |  October 7, 2016 at 9:16 pm

        You’re welcome. It was perfectly clear….

        Reply
        • 24. plaridel  |  October 10, 2016 at 8:26 pm

          alicia:

          glad to hear that. 🙂

          Reply
  • 25. Perry Block (@PerryBlock)  |  October 7, 2016 at 7:37 pm

    How about substituting this sentence: “Elaine had many suitors. He would never be able to win her, of that he was sure.” It’s ambiguous as to past or present and works either way, I think. Just a suggestion.

    Reply
    • 26. plaridel  |  October 7, 2016 at 8:23 pm

      perry:

      that should work. thanks. 🙂

      Reply
  • 27. Zee  |  October 8, 2016 at 9:08 pm

    Yeah like everyone else I was a bit confused until I read the comments . Nice story plaridel ☺️

    Reply
    • 28. plaridel  |  October 10, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      zee:

      glad it made sense somehow 🙂

      Reply
  • 29. rgayer55  |  October 10, 2016 at 3:50 am

    Gee, I thought he came home for some “afternoon delight.”

    Reply
    • 30. plaridel  |  October 10, 2016 at 8:29 pm

      russell:

      he was a little under the weather. but it did enter to his mind. 🙂

      Reply
  • 31. lingeringvisions by Dawn  |  October 11, 2016 at 4:23 am

    That’s a lot of words for 100 words.
    Good to see you back.

    Reply
    • 32. plaridel  |  October 11, 2016 at 4:44 pm

      dawn:

      thank you. sure glad to be back. 🙂

      Reply
  • 33. patriciaruthsusan  |  October 12, 2016 at 2:48 am

    Good story, but I think I’d have changed the ending also. I like happy endings, though. 🙂 — Suzanne

    Reply
    • 34. plaridel  |  October 12, 2016 at 2:56 pm

      suzanne:

      me, too. 🙂

      Reply
  • […] 79. Insach – Unfurl… ing…. Unfurled. 80. slideaways – Unfurl Oh Lover Unfurl 81. Musings of a Random Mind – Lucky 82. A Short Conversation – Divide 83. Exalting His Goddess – Midwest Fantasy Writes 84. […]

    Reply
    • 36. plaridel  |  August 21, 2017 at 9:49 pm

      thanks for the pingback! much appreciated.

      Reply

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