yes, virginia, there`s no santa claus

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The Sun, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, is there a
Santa Claus?

Virginia O’Hanlon
115 West Ninety-fifth Street
virginia, santa claus doesn’t exist. she’s not real. she’s a fantasy. if you search the internet, you’d discover that she was a creation of madison avenue, originally conceived to sell coke. yes, coke as in coca-cola. i refer to santa claus as a she because she’s likely a woman. after all, santa is the spanish word for a female saint as in santa ana. the artist must be drinking a lot of coke at the time he drew her that she ended up looking like a man.

consider this. if santa claus is real, then you can have all your wishes come true. you’ll get that purple bike or the barbie dream townhouse playset for christmas. but instead you get practical stuff like a coat and several pair of socks to keep your feet warm on winter.

yes, virginia, santa claus is a lie, but be forwarned that a lie repeated many times may begin to sound like the truth.

people who want you to believe in santa claus can’t be trusted. you should avoid them like the creepy guys who offer you candy on the street. they have a hidden agenda. they want to associate santa with love and generosity and good cheer, but all they want is to sell you an idea. they want you to drink more coke. they want you to tell your parents to go to the mall and buy their cool products.

no, don’t believe in santa claus. rather, believe in things you can feel and touch and hug. for instance, believe in your mama and papa who love you even if you don’t behave. they are as real as the frosting in the cake or the smell of turkey in the oven on christmas eve.

yes, virginia, you’re little friends are right. there’s no santa claus. for a change, in this time and age, it’s nice to know, some are wiser beyond their years.

merry christmas and a happy new year to everyone!

getting a physical

i came early for my appointment. i wanted to get a head start on the insurance forms. to my surprise, the receptionist only asked if i still have the same health coverage. when i answered in the affirmative, she didn’t ask me anymore questions.

the receptionist appeared to be in a good mood. as a matter of fact, everybody seemed to be in a good mood today. even the nurse who weighed and directed me to the examination room was very friendly. she was definitely not like the nurse character ‘rached’ in one flew over the cuckoo’s nest.

after we entered the room, she told me that she’d take my cardiogram. she asked me to take off my shirt and lay on the table.

‘were you born here?’ she asked as she was putting the electrodes on my chest, wrists, and legs. she was quite close. i could smell her perfume.

‘no,’ i said. ‘actually, i was born in the philippines.’

‘oh,’ she exclaimed. ‘you know, my husband goes to the philippines often. he’s a missionary.

‘oh,’ i mumbled. fearing that she might try to convert me, i immediately changed the topic of conversation to the weather.

the procedure took about 10 minutes. she removed the electrodes from my body and told me the doctor would be coming shortly.

as she was leaving the room, she instructed me to strip to my shorts and wear a gown.

by this time, the cold temperature in the room started bothering me. i felt all the parts of my body shrank to the level of absurdity.

i was pacing the floor when the doctor came. he looked very professional in his white garb.

after exchanging some pleasantries, he told me that the results of my blood test couldn’t be any better. it didn’t show any evidence of disease.

he asked me if i was feeling any pain. i answered in the negative.

it didn’t take that long to find him standing before me. after taking my blood pressure and announcing it was normal, he started looking at me as if i was a delicate piece of art.

he went right down to business like he had more christmas shopping to do.

first, he examined my eyes, nose, and ears like he was in a competition of sorts. it was over in 3 minutes.

then, he untied the front of my gown and put the stethoscope all over my upper body apparently trying to decipher what i ate for dinner.

next, he asked me to lay on the examination table. while in that vulnerable state, he pulled down my shorts and grabbed my testicles. he played with them as if they were a pair of egg yolks ready to be scrambled. every time he applied some pressure, i cringed.

finally, he asked me lay on my side with knees pulled up toward the chest. once i was in that position, he inserted his finger into my rectum and twisted it with authority. he said it might cause a mild discomfort, but it actually caused enough pain that i almost released methane gas and some byproducts on his face.

all in all, the examination took just 20 minutes. it was quite a record by anybody’s standard.

as i was putting on my clothes, he told me that there was an empty cup in the bathroom. it was for my urine specimen.

‘did the doctor say you need another appointment?’ asked the receptionist as i was getting ready to leave.

‘no,’ i said.

‘well, then,’ she said. ‘merry christmas! your bill will be in the mail shortly.’

‘merry christmas to you, too,’ i said, ‘and a happy new year!’

have you mailed those cards yet?

the holiday cards are starting to come in. every time i open one, i feel this sense of guilt. it reminds me that i haven’t sent mine yet and time is running out. it’s another activity that contributes to the holiday stress.

actually, i thought of doing away with the tradition of exchanging cards this year. my reasoning goes like this: what’s the point when they are rarely kept by the recipients anyway? most of them go to the recycle bin after the holiday season is over. but something deep inside me is telling me that i can’t.

sending cards reconnects us with our long-distance families and friends. in a way, every card that we mail validates our existence on this planet. it reminds us of the places where we have been and the ties that we have established. it keeps the memories alive. this is especially true for an immigrant like me who left home to seek fortune in another country.

of course, there are other ways to keep in touch. one is to take advantage of the power of the internet. we can save postage stamps and save trees by sending our greetings online. i don’t know about you, but i still prefer the old-fashioned way. doesn’t it feel great opening a card with the familiar handwriting on it?

one of the christmas cards that i received this year came from my english teacher. she’s a nun and a member of the franciscan order. it was probably in response to the anniversary card i sent her recently.

“whenever i review your message on my 50th year in god’s love and service,” she wrote, “i’m very proud to have become a part of your life. keep up the good record, sonny boy! always praying for you!”

reading her note, i felt misty-eyed. she was my favorite teacher. it was truly a hallmark moment.

according to the news, the usps expects today, december 14, to be the busiest day of the year. on this day, more than 839 million cards and letters are expected to be mailed. it represents almost twice the average daily volume of 583 million. i’d say there are many procrastinators among us. and i’m one of them.

surviving the blood test

it was raining when i went to the hospital this morning for my blood test, required for my annual physical exam next week.

there was hardly anybody in the hospital. parking spaces were plentiful. when i went to the lab on the first floor, i was the only patient.

“where are the people?” i asked the technician, trying to indulge her in small talk and hide my nervousness about the procedure.

“the sick people are upstairs,” she said.

“and the rest?”

“oh, they must have gone shopping! in this kind of weather, the mall is the only place that’s dry.

she motioned me to sit comfortably on a high chair, then asked me which arm i preferred to draw the blood from.

“i’m left-handed.”

“let’s do it on your left arm then.”

“i don’t think i could look while my arm is being violated,” i told her as she was getting the needle ready.

“no problem,” she said. “you can look at me or at our christmas decorations.”

i decided to look at the christmas decorations.

suddenly, i felt a prick, and for a couple of minutes, my eyes never wandered away from the christmas decorations.

then, it was over. i felt her pulling the needle from my vein. she placed a gauze at the point of entry, pressed on it, and secured it with a tape.

“you can take it off after 20 minutes,’ she said.

i noticed the rain had stopped on my way back to the car. i even saw a little bit of sun.

i breathed deeply and felt joy in my heart.

i’m back

i’m back in california! the trip to the east coast was very pleasant. looks like an opportunity to move back east has opened. we’ll see what pans out later.

the first snow this season was falling heavily when i left for the airport last saturday. it caused flight delays at the baltimore washington international airport. mine was delayed for more than two hours. good thing, i didn’t have to change planes at the stopover in albuquerque, new mexico. otherwise, i’d have missed the connecting flight.

as usual, i took southwest airlines home. i went to the airport early as i was using my driver’s license as my id. i was afraid i’d be asked to provide more identification. i think the picture in my license isn’t me. it looks like the mug shot of a drugged terrorist. however, to my surprise, there was no problem at all when i presented it at the security checkpoint. too much worrying about nothing.

the first leg of the trip went smoothly. the plane was full, but nothing unpleasant happened during the trip. the crews were at their best. one of the flight attendants even gave a rendition of ‘leaving on a jet plane’ that would have made every american idol reject proud. if you really wanted to gripe at something, however, it must be the serving of the drinks. after handing over the snacks, the drinks came a little late. it caused the passengers to become thirsty making them look like crabby babies searching for the bottle. before long the drinks came with a smile. everything was forgiven.

when the plane landed in albuquerque, most of the passengers left. only 12 remained to continue the trip to oakland. after picking up 6 more passengers, the plane took off. this was the first time i experienced riding a 737 commercial flight with only 18 passengers on board. for a change, it allowed us to sit wherever we wanted.

and so i’m finally home. except for a few souls, nobody has noticed that i even left. the dirty pair of socks is still on the spot of the floor where i dropped it. the bathroom still needs a new roll of toilet paper. the car still needs a wash. back to my old routine, eh? i think that’s cool, if you ask me.